Why I radically changed my approach to eating… But that doesn’t mean you should too.

Along with the relaunch of this blog, there was the promise of real talk. Well, coming clean about my body issues is as real as it gets. Those of you reading who know me well are fully aware that it took a lot out of me to even consider talking about this. But sometimes you just have to rip off that Band-Aid and hope for the best.

Right now, I am about 54 pounds heavier than when I first started dating my husband back in 2006. Over the years I’ve yo-yoed up and down and up and drastically down  followed by drastically up again. Along with the weight,  I’ve gained stretch marks and bad posture, two pants sizes and an abusive relationship with food. Now, I’m a firm believer in the philosophy that even a minimal amount of negative thinking can destroy any good you set out to create for yourself. I’ve tried my damnedest to think of myself as beautiful – to love the skin I’m in.

At the beginning of this year, I realized my thinking wasn’t the problem. I learned to accept that I cannot force myself to simply be overjoyed and in love with the extra weight. It’s not about being fat or skinny – I am a person who was always healthy and athletic. I was a cheerleader, a distance runner, and a stage actress. The person who accomplished all of those things had strength and beauty. Somewhere along the way, I lost my strength. I have not learned to love my love handles. By the same token, many of you out there may not feel the same. That is why I added the caveat in the title of this post – if you love yourself exactly as you are, don’t let anyone convince you to change a damn thing. Unless you are in danger of doing serious, irreversible harm to your body. But that’s a whole different kettle of fish.

Getting down to the nitty gritty requires admitting that my approach to food has never been all that great. In high school I participated in a handful of very time consuming extracurriculars. There were days I’d live off a prepackaged salad and a candy bar from the vending machine. During the summer I’d binge on handfuls of dried cereal and Dr. Pepper. Terrible for a girl who was raised by two fitness buffs. In a house full of chicken, rice, ground turkey, fresh fruit and veg, I had somehow through no fault of my parents developed a terrible self-image that motivated me to live off a ridiculously low calorie deficit. I was busy and away from home enough that it never became obvious how little I was truly eating, and because I went through cycles of binging and starving, the weight loss never became extreme. That doesn’t make it any better, but it is what it is.

As I got older and my metabolism changed, I tried every diet under the sun with various levels of failure. I was actually at my least healthy about 25 pounds ago when I was eating a completely vegetarian diet and doing intense amounts of solid state cardio. Again, on an average day I was getting less than 1200 calories, getting very little protein, and then spending upwards of two hours in the gym trying to make myself fit someone else’s ideal.

A few months ago, the scale hit a number I didn’t even think I would see in my lifetime (207) and I knew I had hit the bottom of a spiral I’d been on for upwards of twelve years. I knew I had to get back to the basics I had been raised with. I spent hours online reading and researching and developing a plan of action that centered around a lifestyle instead of a diet. I found a number of people in the fitness industry with blogs or instagrams that I could look to for guidance and motivation. I based my workouts around developing muscle instead of just burning fat. Most importantly for me, I discovered the life-changing reality of an eating plan that revolved around macros. I found that through flexible dieting I could still indulge and do it totally guilt free. I learned to appreciate the total value of the foods I was putting into my body, and when to eat certain foods for the best possible results. I had more stamina in the gym, energy all day long, better skin, and an overwhelmingly positive attitude. All in the space of a few months.

I’m still at the very beginning of this journey, but I cannot believe how great it feels to know I am finally off the roller coaster for good. I’m on my way back to that strong, beautiful woman who has the will to overcome any obstacle. As I continue on this road, I hope to post more in-depth looks at what I'm doing, how it's working, and any changes that occur whether they are positive or negative. Everyone has to start somewhere, after all.